New Moon Movie Review

The Twilight Saga: New Moon. The ultimate porn for chicks.

I cannot take the pain to regurgitate the synopsis of this film, because I'm assuming you already know what it's all about. If you're a human being inhabiting a place where other human beings live in, and perhaps there happen to be little human beings or teens (yeah, the ones that think life sucks and everyone sucks, and whine about it constantly), then you're sure to have heard all that racket about New Moon.

Or if you live around women – doesn't matter the race, age, height or weight – then I'm certain you've heard about New Moon.

Or, hey, if you have a TV or an active internet connection then, mate, at least a dose or two of New Moon must have somehow twitched your eardrums.

If you haven't ... Dude, seriously, where do you live??

Okay, okay, fine. Here goes.

Edward, the beautiful, sexy vampire from last year's Twilight (in case you don’t know who he is, he’s the bloke with bad hair), decides to dump his ordinary, mouth watering (literally, as in he really wants to drain her dry), not-sexy-in-anyway-but-every-hobo-in-her-school-loves-her human girlfriend, Bella, after an accident that involves his brother, Jasper, trying and failing to eat Bella.

As a result, Bella spirals into a troubling state of depression and mild insanity, withdrawing from the world of the living into a hollow shell. Time doesn't exist anymore for her. Life has little to no meaning. Why? Her Love is gone.

She later turns to extreme sports – like jumping off cliffs, riding motorbikes without prior knowledge on how to ride one, and going off with strangers that could rape her and slit her throat. But, dude, that's all cool, cos Bella has a plan. You see, every time she does something potentially dangerous she glimpses Edward. Not the real Edward, but kind of a vision of Edward. It's real to her, and that's all that matters. She reckons, 'If I stand on a train track, just before the train tears me to shreds, I'll see Edward again.'

Though used sparingly, the effects are a lot better than in Twilight. The werewolves look adorable… Um, yeah, you see I'm not so sure that's a good thing. I think the special effects guys were aiming for scary 'RAH-RAH' werewolves, not 'Aww, cute puppies' werewolves, which is what they gave us in the end. No matter.

Okay, here’s the deal: you know how you hate someone not because of what they did but because of what someone else who's somehow related to them did? Like, if Osama's kid was in your school you'd probably hate his guts, even though he had absolutely nothing to do with the September 11 bombings that snuffed the life of your relative/friend/fellow human being. That's how I feel about New Moon. The actors were okay. Yes, believe it or not, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can act. The director was great. For quite a while now, until New Moon, I don’t think I ever watched a movie based on a book that was more true to that book. Chris Weitz should have directed Harry Potter. The effects were manageable. But the movie still sucked for me ... because the book sucks.

There are a lot of things we overlook when reading books. But when these things are transferred verbatim to the big screen it gets one thinking, 'Okay, that's pretty lame. It was awesome when I read it, but now seeing it just makes it ridiculous.' Like Bella participating in dumb stunts just so she can see Edward. In the book, I didn’t mind. In the movie, I thought, come on, man! It was laughable. We’ve all gone through heartbreak. You haven’t really lived until you’ve experienced one. But jumping off a cliff just to see a boyfriend inside your head? LMAO!

Fans will adore this film. They're mostly women and, what can I say, maybe there's something about Twilight that makes them orgasm over and over again, with no end in sight. God knows, nothing any man tries can achieve such a colossal feat. Nothing floats a woman's boat better than Twilight. Maybe that's why dudes hate Twilight so much.

Non-fans, however, will toast the end of an era when good movies made the most money in the box office and shitty movies tanked.

Rating: 3/10

Po, the punching bag [Graceling Review]

By now you must have heard about this book, Graceling by Kristin Cashore. If you haven't then now you have. I've had the American cover as my profile pic since I first heard about it in 2008 but I only just read it last Saturday. What took me so long? School. Masters. Exams. Stuff like that.

So after a long wait, I finally trekked to my local Borders in Birmingham and bought me a copy of Graceling. I tell you, I was entertained. It's been a joyous ride, one that I'm going to miss. Damn you, Kristin. Damn you!

In Graceling there are seven kingdoms ruled by seven kings, and in all of these kingdoms there exist certain people who possess disparate eye-colours. These people are known as Gracelings. A Graceling is someone gifted with an extra-ordinary talent called a grace. Graces can be mundane, like being able to climb any tree, being able to cook really well, being able to run fast, and the like. They can be useless, like being able to talk backwards. Or they can be dangerous – being able to read minds, being able to fight like no other ordinary person, etcetera.

Katsa, our heroine, is graced with fighting. She can beat anyone, kill anything, and she does it with fluid dexterity and creativity. There simply is no stopping this chick. But Katsa has a problem. She's the King's tool for destruction and she doesn't like it one bit. So in attempt to right the wrongs she's been forced to dump on the world she initiates the Council, a secret organisation tasked with helping people. Nice, huh?

Enter Po, a man who Katsa encounters on a mission that takes her to the prison of one of the seven kingdoms. Although they don't start out as friends, their relationship develops and Po soon becomes Katsa's official punching bag. So humble is this bloke that he is willing to take blows from Kasta's fists on a daily basis. He is bruised and broken after each fight yet he keeps coming back for more. And he smiles about it too! Yes, gentlemen, the feministic vibe is very strong in this book.

And yes, the character-names in Graceling are a little odd. Not bad odd though. It's just Kristin Cashore's way of introducing herself to book lovers. You normally expect fantasy books to have names like Eragon, Aragon, Baragon, Lalagon, Shortgungon or something like that. You don't expect Po, Oll, Leck, Birn, Thigpen, or Greening Grandemalion (OK, allow me to say WTF here).

Graceling's story is rather straightforward. Too straightforward. There are no twists, nothing that will cajole that elated and surprised wow from you. The intrigue begins from page one and halfway into the book you know who the baddy is, because our clever heroine and hero, Kasta and Po, figure things out early on. At some point I thought maybe Cashore would do a 180 and weave the threads of the plot to give a new outcome but nothing of such happens. It's not entirely a bad thing, as the plot in itself hooks you from start to finish.

The finish, however, is where Graceling's grace fails it. The villain meets his end in a somewhat lacklustre fashion and in his second appearance. Alas, Graceling is anticlimactic. This is a common problem that plagues most YA books where you have a very, very, very powerful main character (Katsa) and a very, very, very powerful villain (???). You expect some kind of massive, explosive epic battle and all you get is a muffled poof. Disappointing.

Characters are well drawn out and believable, though not all of them. Meet Bitterblue; ten-year-old princess with a cute name, but very implausible as a human being. She talks like she's 30 and behaves like she's wooden (shows very little emotion, particularly for a ten-year-old).

Marriage. Kids. Ah, yes. The main controversy that spawned from this book. Everyone was talking about it when the book came out last year. I don't think it's a spoiler to say that Katsa is against marriage or bearing children, and she does neither in the book's entirety, albeit she falls in love with Po. Po accepts her choices without much of an argument and tells her that he will take her the way she is.

For me this is Graceling's biggest problem. It's not Katsa's odium for marriage or having kids. It's Po. It's Edward in Twilight. It's the innumerable male characters in YA novels today. Why is it that nowadays female writers create great male leads only to bastardize them later so that these men/boys can fit into their boxes of weird and flawed fantasies of how they think men should behave towards women? And seeing as how women don't generally like how men are in real life readers are sure to get a healthy dose of Edward-esque clowns.

That's right. Edward does everything for Bella. Everything. The bloke has no sense of direction. No life. He's a robot designed to indulge Bella's every whim (and vice-versa). Po too. Built for Katsa, this one. The man started out great, and then from nowhere he's like, 'Yeah baby, I totally agree with your no marriage/no baby logic. You're right. I mean, I feel marriage is supposed to be a wonderful union between two people who love each other. In fact, my parents, brothers and their wives are a pretty good example. But f@&* how I feel, because I'm all for you, babes. I was made for you. You complete me.'

Huh? First he generously donates his body for Katsa to molest on the training ground, and now this?

Katsa was born a pariah, a hardened, adroit killer. Of course she wouldn't want marriage or kids. I completely understand that. But Po, born a prince, born into a family of love, a family with small shortcomings – yes – but one that still adores him, and he doesn't want marriage and children? He must have a very good reason for that, but – oh no! The book doesn't say.

Hang on, did you say it's because he loves Katsa? Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't love the chief ingredient that pushes men like Po to marry and make babies?

'I told him I'm not going to marry you and hang on to you like a barnacle, just to keep you to myself and stop you from loving anyone else.' Katsa's words to Po. Translation: sex with you is awesome, hun, but you're free to do it with someone else if you want, just like I'm free to jump into the sack with another man too. Understand?

'It's alright, you know. Other people don't have to understand.' Po's reply to Katsa. Translation: babes, if I slept with someone else you'd smash my head like a tomato, so I'd just agree with every BS that spews from your mouth and stick with you until you tell me to sod off.

Po doesn't even try to convince Katsa. Either he's afraid of her or he's really a daft robot with the grace of looking and acting somewhat human. I remember him asking her to marry him once. Immediately she says, 'Screw marriage, and babies too,' he goes, 'Yeah, screw 'em all. Let's go train. After you've rearranged my bones with your hands we can have sex again.'

Grow some spine, mate.

Seriously, you have to wonder whether Po and Katsa are in love or in lust. It didn't seem like love to me, especially after considering the excerpt I posted above.

I'm going to pretend that Po's stance on all of this is temporary. Let's be honest, guys, if you fell in love with a hot chick and she told you that marriage and kids were a no-no but sex was a yes-yes, would you turn her down? Nope. Not me. Nuh-uh. I'd tell her what she wants to hear, which is, 'Baby, I couldn't have said it any better. Marriage and babies are evil,' and jump right in.

If I read Bitterblue (the sequel to Graceling which comes after Fire) and find Po still yapping on about how he's cool with not marrying Katsa... Epic fail, Ms Cashore.

In spite of all this, Graceling is a great book. The world Kristin Cashore has created is addictive and blossoms with life, adventure and wonder, and you always feel like you're right there with Katsa through every battle, every pain, and every happiness. Kristin Cashore's voice is new, true, strong, unique and sweet, and I look forward to reading many more of stories with weird character names (Magalusomaduoeomon, anyone?) from her in the future.

In fact, I need Fire right now. Damn it, Kristin, what gives?!

REVIEW SCORE:

Characters: 9/10

World Building: 9/10

Prose: 10/10

Plot: 8/10

Final Score: 9/10

PS: my grace is pissing people off. What's yours?

Agents vs Aspiring Writers

My blog's first short story:

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there existed a planet. It was called Earth, and it was rich in superfluous resources and life. The most abundant life was human life. Humans strived for greatness in whatever they did, and for many years they grew in great numbers and strength, determined to one day conquer the universe.

Amongst these humans were those who studied the art of writing, and those who honed their eyes, tongues, and nose to better see, taste and smell good writing. They were respectively dubbed Writers and Agents.

Agents have since stood as gatekeepers of the paths which Writers must take to confront the publishing gods.

Because Agents must carefully choose which Writers to let through, many Writers have grown embittered in silence, their anger bristling in the shadows, swelling and clenching their hearts until all kindness and happiness have long been purged, lost forever to these hardworking men and women.

On a day that seemed as ordinary as any other day, a gatekeeper by the name Jessica Faust determined that it would be a clever scheme to utilise one of Earth's newest and most unimpressive technologies – Twitters – in teaching Writers what not to do when requesting access (by means of querying) to the publishing gods.

Unfortunately for Jessica and her cohorts of Agents and Editors (high priests of the publishing gods), her scheme backfired, and Writers were handed a perfect opportunity to engage in a war they had desperately sought after for years:

'Take yourselves off the pedestals you stand on and stop acting like we should feel privileged that you allow us to bow and scrape to gain your attention. Without us, you would have no product to sell, therefore no income. To say it very plainly, without us you are nothing.'

Translation: without us, working at McDonalds wouldn't even come close to your greatest achievement.

'Reply with more than one freaking line via email that says something like, "I didn't really care for the male characters". I mean, a rejection is OK, but, after all that time (and $$$ in postage for 300 plus pages!!!), I thought I deserved a bit more. I won't be querying her again.'

Translation: I spent my time, effort, and hard-earned cash getting my manuscript to you. I literally lowered myself to your standards, and this is the best rejection you can come up with – 'I didn't really care for the male characters'? Go to hell.

'Creating art requires the ability to expose the self and plumb the depths of human pain. Please stop telling me not to take it personally. Sending you my manuscript is more personal than a visit to my ob/gyn. If you refuse to acknowledge the intimate dynamic of this transaction, stick to repping diet books or go into accounting,'

Translation: sending my manuscript to you is like letting you sleep with my husband and not slitting your throat. It's more than personal. So when you refuse to recognise the gravity of things, you hurt my feelings. Trust me, honey, that's the last thing you want to do. My advice: leave this industry. Now.

'Many of those querying you are smarter than you are, prettier than you are, and meaner than you are. We have long memories and we share agent stories just as you share "bad writer" stories.'

Translation: You're dumb, you're ugly, and the best way – no, the only way you can hurt me is by sending stupid, lame rejections to my mailbox. If I had to send my rejection to you, it'd be in the form of my foot, so when you opened the letter or email it'd pop out and shove itself so far up your fat arse that "sitting" would become something of an enigma for you. Yeah, I'm THAT mean. And don't forget, we know who you are, and when we become bestsellers and gain access to millions of $$$/£££, we're surely going to destroy you. Literally.

'I'm so tired of smug, wannabe hipsters being the gatekeepers of taste.'

Translation: I'm seriously considering assassinating you.

(Note: these are very real statements made by writers. You can find more here).

Jessica Faust, undeterred by the raging battle, has sworn to resurrect her scheme on April 17. She strongly feels she's doing the right thing. However, the APO (Agents Protection Organisation) has dispatched government operatives to protect Jessica and other #agentfail participating Agents/Editors 24-7, just in case things get out of hand.

'Jessica is important to us. She is the last living Agent with magic powers and the ability to talk to ponies, and we intend on making sure she remains earth-bound,' says Jimmy Jim Jims, Director of APO.

On the other side of the pond, rebel leader of AWAW (Aspiring Writers At War), Anon1, had this to say about Agents: 'The sooner they – agents, editors, the publishing gods – disappear, the better for us writers. POD for the world,'

The Hunger Games review

I'm not a professional at reviewing books, so I'm going to keep this concise: this book rocks. It doesn't get any simpler than that. Katniss is my new girl-hero.

I am miffed that the sequel isn't coming out until September. Why? What's the deal? Why punish us!? I want it now!

Next on my list: Graceling.

Speaking of which, check THIS out:

Cool, huh? That’s the cover of the sequel (or prequel) to Graceling. There’s a saying that goes, ‘Do not judge a book by it’s cover.’ That’s going to be a lot difficult with this one, if you ask me. How can you not love Fire when it has a cover like that!?

This is what being British is all about

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/would-you-save-a-stranger/catch-up

Quite frankly disgusting, if you ask me. This seems to be a common trait amongst most British people, especially those born of the older generation – they stick their noses up, turn away, and pretend like nothing's happening, like the bad stuff going down around the will float away in the unpredictable manner of unsettled dust particles.

A 12 year-old gets pummelled repeatedly and you sit there and stare like mindless buffoons? Wow!

The funny thing is, British adults are so damn opinionated about everything ... and now, as the video proves, even bigger cowards.

Blog under construction...

I've decided to focus my blogs on my writing progress and my road to publishing. So there's going to be less blogs about random stuff and more blogs about my work-in-progress (WIP).

I'll have to make a couple of minor changes here and there, and then I'll be back, blogging full time. I have so much to talk about, I don't know where to start...

Friday Night Lights

If you haven't seen this show, if you haven't so much as Google-d it, then you need to right now. Friday Night Lights is perhaps the best thing I've seen on TV. The writing is mature, on-point and very realistic. If NBC bosses had any sense they would promote this instead of Heroes.