Friday, 4 December 2009

New Moon Movie Review

Newmoonposter The Twilight Saga: New Moon. The ultimate porn for chicks.

I cannot take the pain to regurgitate the synopsis of this film, because I'm assuming you already know what it's all about. If you're a human being inhabiting a place where other human beings live in, and perhaps there happen to be little human beings or teens (yeah, the ones that think life sucks and everyone sucks, and whine about it constantly), then you're sure to have heard all that racket about New Moon.

Or if you live around women – doesn't matter the race, age, height or weight – then I'm certain you've heard about New Moon.

Or, hey, if you have a TV or an active internet connection then, mate, at least a dose or two of New Moon must have somehow twitched your eardrums.

If you haven't ... Dude, seriously, where do you live??

Okay, okay, fine. Here goes.

Edward, the beautiful, sexy vampire from last year's Twilight (in case you don’t know who he is, he’s the bloke with bad hair), decides to dump his ordinary, mouth watering (literally, as in he really wants to drain her dry), not-sexy-in-anyway-but-every-hobo-in-her-school-loves-her human girlfriend, Bella, after an accident that involves his brother, Jasper, trying and failing to eat Bella.

As a result, Bella spirals into a troubling state of depression and mild insanity, withdrawing from the world of the living into a hollow shell. Time doesn't exist anymore for her. Life has little to no meaning. Why? Her Love is gone.

She later turns to extreme sports – like jumping off cliffs, riding motorbikes without prior knowledge on how to ride one, and going off with strangers that could rape her and slit her throat. But, dude, that's all cool, cos Bella has a plan. You see, every time she does something potentially dangerous she glimpses Edward. Not the real Edward, but kind of a vision of Edward. It's real to her, and that's all that matters. She reckons, 'If I stand on a train track, just before the train tears me to shreds, I'll see Edward again.'

Though used sparingly, the effects are a lot better than in Twilight. The werewolves look adorable… Um, yeah, you see I'm not so sure that's a good thing. I think the special effects guys were aiming for scary 'RAH-RAH' werewolves, not 'Aww, cute puppies' werewolves, which is what they gave us in the end. No matter.

Okay, here’s the deal: you know how you hate someone not because of what they did but because of what someone else who's somehow related to them did? Like, if Osama's kid was in your school you'd probably hate his guts, even though he had absolutely nothing to do with the September 11 bombings that snuffed the life of your relative/friend/fellow human being. That's how I feel about New Moon. The actors were okay. Yes, believe it or not, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can act. The director was great. For quite a while now, until New Moon, I don’t think I ever watched a movie based on a book that was more true to that book. Chris Weitz should have directed Harry Potter. The effects were manageable. But the movie still sucked for me ... because the book sucks.

There are a lot of things we overlook when reading books. But when these things are transferred verbatim to the big screen it gets one thinking, 'Okay, that's pretty lame. It was awesome when I read it, but now seeing it just makes it ridiculous.' Like Bella participating in dumb stunts just so she can see Edward. In the book, I didn’t mind. In the movie, I thought, come on, man! It was laughable. We’ve all gone through heartbreak. You haven’t really lived until you’ve experienced one. But jumping off a cliff just to see a boyfriend inside your head? LMAO!

Fans will adore this film. They're mostly women and, what can I say, maybe there's something about Twilight that makes them orgasm over and over again, with no end in sight. God knows, nothing any man tries can achieve such a colossal feat. Nothing floats a woman's boat better than Twilight. Maybe that's why dudes hate Twilight so much.

Non-fans, however, will toast the end of an era when good movies made the most money in the box office and shitty movies tanked.

Rating: 3/10

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